My life has been horrible, I'm so tired, I go to therapy and I felt better for a short period but it's bad again, I can't do it anymore, I can't get a fucking job even after all the effort I put, I can't get friends, I can't get a girlfriend, I can't get people to respect me, I'm done with this shit and I just want to die, I wanted to kill myself, went to therapy, stopped wanting to but still wanting to die but rn I think I want to do it myself
asked by someone ·
47 replies
- someone who replied
Thanks for sharing those powerful emotions. I’ve felt similarly boxed in and thinking suicide is the only way out. Glad you are opening up. Is it scary to say those things out loud or in your head? How does it make you feel?
- someone who replied, again
And why do you want those things? Job/gf/respect, I understand why someone would want them but I want to know why you want them, what would they bring you?
- the person who asked
It's not scary, it's just an idea that pops up, usually me shooting myself in the mouth. The thought itself doesn't really make me feel anything. I want those things because they would give me purpose ig? Maybe also because I'm expected to have a job, I want friends and a gf to love and be loved, something my family never truly gave me, and I want respect because people often treat me as a dumb kid and I'm tired of that
- someone who replied, again
Those seem like very good reasons. I’d these things would give you purpose, Would you say your life has been void of purpose up to this point?
- the person who asked
Yes, very much so
- someone who replied, again
Is it true that your life has been void of purpose? Have you really done nothing at all that’s had a positive impact on someone or the world? Have you been a person who only takes in life?
- the person who asked
It's not that I only take from others, I always try to give, it's more like I've never had the chance to do the things I want, not even normal stuff everyone gets to do, like having friends. All of the things I listed, I consider then to be something normal, something people usually get, I'm not sad because I'm not a famous actor, I'm sad because I can't even get the most basic things in human life
- someone who replied, again
What’s contributing to you not being able to access those things? Who or what has put up barriers to them?
- the person who asked
Idk, I've tried, time and again, I just can't get it
- someone who replied, again
If you have tried so hard, then there must be something that’s getting in the way. Is there something about you or the world specifically that prevents you from succeeding?
- the person who asked
I just don't know how to deal with people, pretty much lived isolated my whole childhood and I also might be autistic
- someone who replied, again
What makes you say that? Were you locked in or forced to stay isolated by someone in your life or is this somewhat of your own creation?
- the person who asked
I was forced, my parents didn't allow me to go out for months at a time during the winter
- someone who replied, again
Wow. I’m sorry to hear that. I can see how they have inhibited your development with those decisions. Do you feel like they have supported you in achieving g the things you said you want to achieve?
- the person who asked
Not at all, I recently graduated college with a degree I dislike because them (mainly my dad) would not pay for college if I went for the degree I wanted
- someone who replied, again
That’s really frustrating. Is there any hope or desire to have a conversation with your parents about this? Or would you rather move forward on your own and take this on yourself?
- the person who asked
I talked to them many times about it, they always say it was for the best, so that I can have a good job, well, guess what? I can't find one. I'd like to move on and leave it behind, move out, but I can't do that when I'm unemployed
- someone who replied, again
True. I remember finding a job. It was so hard. Think I applied to 75 companies and got 1 offer, not a fun exercise in rejection. Is getting a job your main focus right now? The thing that you think will help you the most? Or is there more to it?
- the person who asked
I think I want to become a PhD but idk, feels like a waste of time
- someone who replied
Hey thanks for sharing your story. I struggle with my parents. Mainly my dad. Its hard to overcome my fear of them
- someone who replied, again
If you want it, own up to it and do it. Don’t allow yourself the ‘out’ of thinking that someone else is to peddle to or to blame if things go bad.
- the person who asked
Yah, I can do it, again, I just feel like I'd be wasting time. No one to blame on this. It's just that my parents are just going to make fun of me. My priority rn is to make money, that's what my parents care about the most, even if they deny it, if I get money then they might shut the fuck up. Even if doing the PhD would be nice, it still doesn't solve the things that make my life misserable, having no friends, gf or even basic respect
- someone who replied, again
Sounds like a good plan. I don’t think all of those are mutually exclusive. Could you make progress on all fronts? Looking for a job, study for gmat/PhD prep, and get out in the world socially? Do you feel like you have the interest and capability to do that?
- the person who asked
The interest? Yes, 100% but not the capability, I've tried time and again and I've only failed. I can't work and get a master's/PhD, the colleges I've applied to "pay you" to study, however, they take that as a "full time job" and don't allow you to get a different job, yes, they "pay you" but it's barely enough to live, I'm not going to save anything so that's why I think it's a waste of time, 6 years of study = a PhD, no savings
- the person who asked
Or work a normal job which shoule give me a lot more money, however, I can't seem to find one of those so I really am lost
- someone who replied, again
Keep trying. Don’t give up on yourself. You seem like your head is in the right place. Keeps applying and believing in yourself. Something will happen for you.
- the person who asked
Idk, I just want to die
- someone who replied, again
As a solution to your problems (presumably under the assumption that death would cause a ceasing of the suffering) or to send a message to those people close to you?
- the person who asked
An end, not a solution, things will never get better, I have no control over that but I control when it's over. I don't care about what others think, I don't care if they get sad or happy.
- someone who replied, again
I can understand that having no success in the past would make you question your ability to succeed in the future. Do you believe you could acquire the skills to create those things in your life with the right support and or direction? Or is there something inherently different about you that prevents you from getting there? Job/gf/independent living etc
- the person who asked
Historically, I've been able to learn everything I've had to, I don't believe it's about learning skills, I believe some things can't be changed, a brown dog will always be brown no matter how many tricks he learns, that's me regarding social situations, same for my parents, they'll never change. And the job thing, well, I guess I could find a job at McDonalds easily but that's not the problem
- the person who asked
The problem is the things I can do, the things I feel like I have to do and the things I can actually do don't seem to line up, they're not compatible
- someone who replied, again
Yes, that’s a gap in skills. You are confusing skills with traits. A brown dog will be brown, but a brown dog can learn to sit, or not steal food, or protect the vulnerable, or gently guide. Yes you won’t get taller or change your shape of your face, but those things are not required. They are called social skills for a reason. They are skills, skills can be learned. Yes you won’t change your parents. No sense trying that. But you can develop
- someone who replied, again
Skills with the right support and information. You can do it. Reducing the things you don’t know how to do as core character flaws that cannot be overcome is not an empowering approach to life. If that’s the case, like why go to school or try to learn anything at all if everything is an all or nothing born with it or not? It’s not that way since humans are always growing and changing how they show up in the world. I get the feeling of being
- someone who replied, again
Exhausted, frustrated, at your wits end. That’s ok. You can be there too. And it’s ok to get an outside opinion, a new person or teacher in your corner to help you chart a course with new skills. Maybe that’s all you need.
- the person who asked
Well, what you say makes sense but how could I even do that? I have tried many times, different things, it just doesn't feel right, is that something I can change? Learn how to feel alright when I'm with people? it's not that I feel awkward or uncomfortable, I can talk to people, I can even spend time with them, maybe make some of them like me, it just doesn't feel right, it never does, I really don't know how to describe the feeling
- someone who replied, again
What makes you think or feel that something isn’t right? Do you think the interaction should be going or feeling differently than it is?
- the person who asked
No, it's something within myself, a sense of wrong, I really lack the words to explain. I think I could probably describe it as something close to a chore, it's a very slight resemblance but it's something ig
- someone who replied, again
Is the source of it something that’s wrong with you, the conversation that’s occurring, or the other person?
- the person who asked
The fact that there's an interaction itself maybe? It's like a discrepancy, like, I feel like my rational brain does not want nor need human interaction but I'm still human and I have basic human instincts so I crave that interaction. Maybe there's a clash of those 2 opposite desires
- someone who replied, again
It’s self created. Somewhere along the way you learned that response as a self defense mechanism, a way to protect yourself from harm. Perhaps it shielded you from and during talks with your parents. Now you are recognizing this pattern does not serve you. You can unlearn this pattern. It doesn’t have to persist forever
- the person who asked
How do I do that?
- someone who replied, again
Can start by trying to understand why you developed that pattern. How would this disconnection have helped protect you in the past? What pain did it shield you from? And if you can understand why you have it, you might be able to allow yourself to decide if it still serves you moving forward
- the person who asked
I'll see what I can do. Thank you so much for your time
- someone who replied, again
Ok. He's just not gonna change I've realized. There are things I've tried to share to help him understand me but same. Talking to a brick wall it's like he will only realize things deeply if he arrives at them. has difficulty when the insight comes from outside him. I've pretty much decided to accept him where he is and if things change great if they don't, that's ok too.
- the person who asked
Yah, it's hard to accept that but you know, seasons change yet they come back the same every year. I truly wish I could help but you're right, he won't change, I guess the best we can do is change ourselves, even when it feels impossible
- someone who replied, again
Thought this is a sweet video you might enjoy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fvETktnaRw
