I'm suffering from extreme existential dread and panic attacks. Any help would be appreciated.

80 replies

• someone who replied·6 years ago

  What’s going on? I’ve been through some existential dread before.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I have never felt worse in my life. I feel as though I will never be happy again. I cry every day, I scream every night. I am in complete crisis and I don't know how to escape or if I even have the will to. Nothing matters. Nothing is real. I am numb to everything and everyone. I need help.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Ok. Who in your life knows you are feeling this way? Also, how long have you been feeling these feelings?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  A couple friends who don't live in my city, and my boyfriend, plus his roommate. I've felt this bad for a few weeks, but I've had panic attacks like this my whole life.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Guessing you don’t live in your home town. True? Do you have any professionals you are working with or any desire to?

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Like mental health professionals I mean. Not saying you should, just curious before I ask any more questions.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I would love to see a therapist. But I don't have insurance so I can't afford a professional regularly. There's a public service that gives free therapy once every 2 months. That's not nearly enough for me.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Glad you have thought about it and are taking steps. Might be worth checking out the free option just in case. But what’s going on in your life? Can you pointto or identify any of the things that are contributing to these feelings? Job work school family relationships etc?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Just, existential dread, fear of dying. Its been apart of my life for as long as I can remember, but became much worse when I switched medications

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I also know that my mood shifted considerably after a near fatal car accident. I was crossing the street and a man in a truck drove over me, dragged me, and drove off. My spine broke in 2 places, but my spinal cord was intact. It took me 3 months in the hospital to learn to walk again. I've had chronic pain ever since and been on many medications. It probably really messes with my brain chemistry.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Wow. What an amazing story. You must be a tough person. Idk how someone goes through that much and isn’t severely impacted. You must have a pretty surreal relationship to life and existence.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Maybe surreal isn’t the right word, maybe more like deep

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I definitely feel like I'm living in a dream. Or rather, a nightmare.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Nothing feels real. I don't really believe in anything. I'm consumed with nihilism

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Does that feel suffocating sometimes? Or Does it ever feel freeing?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Its incredibly suffocating. I feel consumed by my obsession with dying and the meaninglessness of the universe. I freak myself out with the fact I exist at all. I've very rarely had moments where it felt a bit freeing, but it was always crushed by the incredible weight of my fear and dread of the unknown.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  You sound like an intellectual. It’s a blessing and curse. Many never go this deep. What about the unknown (or is it death?) makes you afraid?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Ceasing to exist, I guess? Losing everything I've ever loved. Never thinking ever again for the rest of time. Never knowing what happens in the future.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Interesting. This fixation on losing consciousness appears to have stolen from you the very thing you desire to retain: existence/the present moment/life/perception. Worry can do that

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  It makes things feel like they don't even matter because I will lose it all eventually.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  I see. Have you ever lost a toy that you loved as a child? When a toy breaks or is lost, does that mean every memory and experience that occurred playing with the toy also is lost?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  The idea that all I'll have left is memories makes me feel very scared. Memories are abstract, and the more abstraction I have in my life, the less real everything feels. There is so much that isn't tangible that we consider real. Concepts, ideas, feelings, motives; I can't ground myself with any of it. Its all kind of just in my head. It makes the whole world feel like it's just in my head.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Scary mode: it is on your head. it’s all in your head. You define it.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  You still can be grounded in that though. Feel your toes.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Nothing means anything to me...

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  What can you feel?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Fear, dread, sadness, stress

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Is it because you feel total control or no control?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  No control

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Do you feel like you spend your time and energy effectively? In a way that respects/maximizes the transient nature of life?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Not at all. I don't know how to live my life like that. I don't know what meaning is, so it's hard to establish values and assign an appropriate amount of time to certain tasks

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Indeed.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  But do you know how to stop and start?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Do I know how to stop and start what?

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  The mind

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  No, my brain is always on.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  That’s ok. You can develop the the let go.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  I mean that in the most sincere way. It’s about noticing the small opportunities to open to the experience of life. Even if only for a moment. Because those moments build.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  What exactly does that mean?

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Do you ever feel your focus entirely on you? Not fixated On other things. Self reflective?

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  It means noticing your participation. Your control/awareness.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Often it is fleeting,it can build

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I'm heavily focused on my life, on it's entire scale. Barely a whisper on the timeline of existence. Its all I think about. So I'm kind of hyper focused on myself, just on a large scale.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Love it. Love your approach.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  And you can wield your own strength.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  It's kind of awful though. I can't stop obsessing about my death. Its horrifying.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  It doesn’t have to be awful.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I don't know how to make it not awful.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Ok. It starts small. I had to repeat ‘I am not a piece of shot’ every time I too a step walking to class

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I don't really hate myself, I hate my humanity.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  The fact that you are human? How come?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  My mortality, and my bad brain chemistry.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  How come you say you have bad brain chemistry? You sound pretty smart to me.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Mental illness has nothing to do with intelligence. You can be smart and bipolar, or smart and schizophrenic. In both cases, their brain chemistry causes suffering and can make functioning societally extremely difficult. But it doesn't make them less smart. I have clinical depression, anxiety and ADD. I don't have it as bad as many people, but I still am suffering a lot due to my brain chemistry.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  For sure. Completely agree. Mental illness can effect anyone. Your suffering: do you feel like you have a good relationship with this suffering? Do you see or feel any value in experiencing negative feelings or does it feel unfair or unjustified?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I don't think it's unfair, because fairness is relative. But I do hate it. I don't enjoy it or appreciate it.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Do you have anyone to talk to when you are feeling this way or do you tend to keep it inside?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I've opened up to my boyfriend about it, and a bit to his roommate. They're kind of my only close friends right now. A few of my exes are still in touch and I've mentioned a little bit about it but not much detail.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  If you could change one thing about your life and what you experience, what would it be?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I would make it so I didn't fear death. Used it to press on and fulfill desires, but I don't need this horror following me in everything I do.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Do you think it’s realistic to not fear death?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  No. Its ignorant. But I want to be ignorant in that respect. Its the same way I'd rather be a dog with a loving family than a human.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Interesting. Would suggest you are looking to simplify your point of view. Do you think it’s possible to change your relationship to death so that instead of being the dog, maybe you are a person standing in a different spot?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  You're saying I should change my perspective? I understand the idea that if I saw things differently I'd be happier. But I can't unlearn what I know about the world. Its not about looking at what I know in a different way, it's about wishing I didn't know in the first place.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  You don’t have to unlearn to get there. But to change then you need to add something to your understanding. How much have you looked into Buddhism or stoicism?

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I haven't looked into either.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Those two philosophies really help me change my relationship to death existence and reality. Siddharta is a good book to start with for Buddhism, the daily stoic by Ryan holiday is another one

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I don't believe in an afterlife or reincarnation. I don't know if looking into a religion is going to help me. As for stoicism, I can look into it.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Yeah. I’m not so keen on that either. Buddhism helped me redefine my relationship to suffering. Look at the 4 know the truths. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths and the 8fold path.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Essentially, attachment is our source of suffering. If you were not attached to life, you would not fear death. So, become less attached to life and you will fear death less. That’s the Buddhism. Stoicism is more straight forward I think. You might enjoy

• someone who replied·6 years ago

  I read this whole thread and could relate a lot. My problem isn’t that I fear death, I actually don’t want to live anymore. My human life seems so arbitrary. I don’t have any close relationships. I stand in regard of beauty and love everyday but my heart is physically hurting and I feel fragile but hold it together. I don’t have words to help. I just want relief but you can’t access that anywhere but right now right now I cant access it.

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  Too much heartache. Van Gogh said “the sadness will last forever” and that scares me. What relief is there. Are we all alone, but some of us are just good at distracting ourselves from that. Is money enough for people to stay motivated and stay out of their head? I’m mentally unstable though I am so level with myself at the same time

• someone who replied, again·6 years ago

  You can’t talk about this with people in person unless you’re paying them. It makes them uncomfortable

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I understand what you mean about feeling like therapists are the only ones who will listen because they get paid to do it. I have found very recently that if you meet the right people, they will care about you and listen even without payment. I often ask people I'm close to questions like how they cope with death, what makes them happy, how do they get out of bed every day, how do they overcome feelings of dread.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Their answers are all different but hall valuable. I feel like my brain is chemically faulty, so I must learn healthy ways of thinking from mentally healthy people. It can be really hard to talk about big questions with people for fear of how they will react, but I feel like often there's no really reason not to answer your questions, since most people don't want to see people they care about in pain. Not everyone will be helpful,

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  But it's up to me to keep searching. I too dread the idea of the pain never ending. I'm terrified of death and horrified about the thought of being on my deathbed. I'll lose everything. The ability to think and feel, all my knowledge and memories. I will cease to exist, as if I never existed in the first place. And for the rest of time I won't be there. The universe will die. Nothing will ever be remembered again. That's why I'm avoiding death.

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  As best as I can anyway. It motivates me to do things that could help my health. I have an exercise bike. I follow along to workout videos on YouTube. I brush my teeth. I eat food that feels like real food and not junk food as much as I can. Those little efforts make me feel very good about myself, in spite of it being something most people have no trouble doing. I often get lost in thoughts of how nothing matters since we're all going to die,

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I'll lose my sense of reality, nothing means anything, I'm floating in a void of senseless matter that humans have applied meaning to. But I try to ground myself with exercises that acknowledge the world around me, breathe deeply, walk around the house, hop on my bike, talk to my partner, ask him to talk about silly things, give hugs, cry for a while, think of something I used to like and get it for myself. These little things have fought back

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  Against the darkness, for me at least. Its still not easy. I'm seeing therapists, taking medication, doing my own research into ideologies that might help. Sometimes the call of the void ignores all of it and I feel horrible and terrified for some time. I hate to admit it, but time and time again I'm told "this too shall pass" and they're right. I might not feel totally better after it passes, but my mind cant maintain that level of panic forever

• the person who asked·6 years ago

  I try to use those breaks to do what I can to be stronger next time. You'd be surprised what you might learn from someone else about coping with the things that depress and horrify us. I've heard some truly beautiful things from people that I'm trying really hard to learn to believe.