I posted here before about never having a girlfriend, you told me that wasn't really that important, it took time but I accepted it, I accepted I was going to die alone and I was ok with it, but lately I've been thinking about giving my love to someone, maybe even having some children of my own but I know that's not healthy, how do I get back, how can I be ok with being alone once again? I'm a man of science, I want logic, no feelings

29 replies

• someone who replied·5 years ago

  What makes you think having a desire to have a mate or procreate isn’t healthy? That’s a pretty normal desire as a human or amy other species.

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  It kinda makes me feel anxious because I've never been able to do it and I can't do it rn, I know there's nothing wrong with it but I don't know, I can't have a partner and I was ok with it but now that thougth is consuming more of my time than I'd like so, yeah, how can I go back? Back to when I was ok with being alone and not thinking about this?

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  I'm not saying have a mate or procreating is unhealthy, I'm saying that, to me, it's unhealthy to think about something I can't have

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  What makes you think you can’t have one? What is it about you and your life that makes you think that?

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  No judgement. Just curious

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  I mean I could have a girlfriend but what I really one is a life partner, a good person I can give my love, someone who would accept me and maybe something that lasts forever, make a family and be happy, but that seems nearly impossible as many people nowadays don't want that

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  It’s not impossible and I think your desire actually aligns strongly with what many women (and men) want. I don’t think that’s too much of an ask and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. But that all starts slowly, identification, initiation, follow up, courtship, dating, etc. It’s a process that people follow to protect themselves for good reason. Is something holding you back from starting that process?

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  Well, I mean, I would also like to be slightly attracted (physically) to my partner, I have a "type" and it's kinda hard to find where I live, also, I could withstand losing someone I love or her hurting me. And I mean, covid is also not helping. Anyway, that's no really my main concern, what I want rn is to stop thinking about it, ai want to focus on other things but I can't take those thoughts out of my head

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  Couldn't*

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  What if those thoughts were a sign about something that are actually a gift instead of a curse? What if those thoughts are a way of suggesting a direction that may be worth exploring? Like a sign pointing in a direction that may be beneficial to you. It could be worth exploring what it could turn into! Having a type, the loss or courtship, they are all part of the process and you’ve got to put yourself out there instead of shutting them down

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  I sometimes think of those thoughts a little hints from life, little signs pointing me in the right direction to explore rather than something to be shut down. Taking a curious approach to those thoughts may be helpful in terms of exploring how come those thoughts may be present.

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  I can't accept that, not right now at least, I don't have a way to explore right now even if I wanted to, also I had an experience this summer that made me sure about not wanting to explore it, not yet, I just want to get rid of them from now, how? If I wasn't thinking about this and I was ok with it why are this thoughts comming back, why now?

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  It appears that you are in 2 conflicting states right now. A want and desire that you think is valid or ok but you may not be ready for it. And a state or desire not to have those thoughts at all and frustrated you are having them. Is that accurate?

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  Yes, I couldn't explain it any better

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  It may be helpful to identify what you fears are of each situation, gauge how realistic each of them are, and determine which are realistic fears or those born out of unnecessary self preservation or feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. If it’s the latter I can tell you that you don’t need allows those feelings to win. Those are not authentic feelings born of your strong soul. Those are just imprinting feelings and thoughts

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  But I mean, I literaly can't even try rn, so, to me trying doesn't make sense, I'm not afraid of those thoughts, I'm just annoyed by them and that's why I want to get rid of them

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  Getting rid of the thoughts Isnt the direction I’d recommend. You need to move through them and accept them and what they are telling you. That’s the only way to lessen their hold on you. Blocking them out will only give them more power because you have yet to learn what they are telling you.

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  So, should I just "deal with it"?, because, again, I can really do nothing about them

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  Not necessarily deal with it. Learn from it. What are these thoughts telling you about what you desire in life? Could it be that you are learning that you do indeed want to explore the possibility of partnership with someone? That’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of if that is the case

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  Or if you are afraid or ashamed of it, perhaps it’s important to find out why. Ask yourself why you might fee that way

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  No, no, I'm not ashamed, I really want to but, I just don't know, I think I'd want it anytime but I know rn is not the right time, there are more important stuff and I want to focuss on that, at least until I get a chance to find someone

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  ‘I really want to’ but ‘now is not the right time’ - those conflict. If right now truly wasn’t the right time then you wouldn’t want to. So until you get clarity in yourself which statement matters more you will be straddling these two usually exclusive ideas standing in this bridge of uncertainty which cannot be fun

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  Well, I'll try to make up my mind, thank you so much

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  Forgive me for simplifying, I’m not implying it is a simple task. Making up your mind can be a fluid thing. But I’m asking you to commit to one side right now because standing on both sides is paralyzing. Either you accept that you want a relationship and you take steps to explore that or you say now is not the right time and you make steps to support that. The key here is to make a decision and then take actions that support that decision.

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  You cannot just decide and do nothing. That will leaving wanting the safety of the other position and the self doubt of ‘what if I make the wrong choice’. But if you start taking actions, either making new relationships, exploring meeting new people, or turn your attention elsewhere like focusing on friends, family, work, or school and each time you have that thought about wanting a relationship, then you can tell yourself ‘it’s ok, but right now

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  I’ve determined I’m focusing my energy over here on this and I’ll return to that someday.’ Either way, you have to move forward and it need not feel like a big decision. It’s just how you live and learn and grow with this new understanding. It’s living with the consequences of your decisions which is how maturity is built

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  I sure about what I want rn, feelings are often confusing to me but I think you're right, everytime I think about I'll tell myself I have other things to focus on right now, I'm sure that maybe one day I'll get to love somebody as much as I want and if I don't get to do it, it's ok, I can think logically but, somehow, it seems like my feelings will not follow that logic, despides all that, I'll follow your advice, thank you

• someone who replied, again·5 years ago

  Make an agreement with yourself. Return to that agreement whenever you have thoughts that are not congruent

• the person who asked·5 years ago

  I will, thank you so much