I am having some issues with emotional stability when it comes to female relationships. I had recently realised I had been emotionally cheating on my wife, which I regret immensely. However, since we had the initial discussion I have found I have been unable to look at women without feeling a bit of a crush on then. This can range from new people never before seen to people I have known since childhood. Need help please!

26 replies

• someone who replied·4 years ago

  Thanks for sharing. That takes a lot of courage to open up about that so much respect 👊. How would you say your relationship is with your wife? Are you fully committed to her and what you may have committed to before?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  Appreciate the reply, I think we have an excellent relationship with such tremendously open communication. I am so very committed to her, that's why I think this hurts so much. There is nothing I want in this world more than to just love her fully and unconditionally but I feel with these intrusive thoughts/feelings it makes it hard somedays as I am focusing on that instead.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Honestly I don’t think it’s that big of a deal…male here talking and I’m in a committed relationship. I also feel the same. Would never want to hurt or harm my wife or our relationship. And yes, I have thoughts about other women. I think it’s important to realize our power over those thoughts. And I’ve been trying to move towards an appreciation of beauty in others instead of a coveting of that beauty.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Idk if it’s the same for you, but for me it comes down to appreciation. Appreciation for my wife and then appreciating the beauty in others without needing to get my needs fulfilled with others.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  I guess that leads to the next question, do you feel open about your sex life and your needs with your partner?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  I can definitely see that logic, mate. I appreciate my wife everyday and I think you may be right in that I think of it in the wrong way. I also have severe issues with overthinking and as such it could just very well be a case of that as well. I appreciate your responses though! It has been nice to tell someone this and get it off my chest.

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  Yeah, we talk about everything. Very healthy sex life and when we have discussed my needs in the past as well. It is very much a healthy two way street in that she says what she feels is lacking and I return that.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Ok. Sounds like a healthy relationship With open communication. What about coveting other women makes you concerned? Do you or your family have a history of incongruent relationship, thoughts and actions?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  I am not entirely sure, I have always not enjoyed the thought of cheating/cheaters. It very well could be down to the fact that I seem to have a complex of wanting to be the perfect person haha. Like, if I am not the best I can be I fail. I am not sure as to why that translates to other women, especially given my wife and I are so open about talking about threesome/open relationships and such.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  What makes you concerned about having thoughts about other women?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  I am not all that sure, honestly mate. I find I have had this issue in my past and it has just passed but this time it has stuck around and become more infested in my mind than usual. I had been researching online that people with ADHD (myself) sometimes have issues with overthinking. I truly am lost though as to why I have such an issue with it.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  How much of your thoughts do you feel explicit control and influence over vs being dragged through the thoughts you may not be able to accept/control/influence?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  Well, I find most of the time I am kinda just being moved with the flow however once I begin overthinking and realising I am overthinking I find it very hard to break the cycle. I notice the best way of killing the cycle is confiding in my wife what is on my mind. Otherwise I feel an air of like I am hiding things, even if not harmful/bad thoughts. I have been seeing a psychologist and he stated it very well could be a lack of confidence?

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Could be. Lack of confidence in yourself or in your relationship?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  It very well could be a lack of confidence in myself. See, I have always had problems with worrying about my wife being unfaithful because other people were better than me even though she constantly told me how much she loved me/how amazing I am and such. I know for a fact I lack self-confidence though, always have had little niggling issues with it.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Could be. Could also be just that you are attracted to desirable traits in the opposite sex. To a degree, that’s normal and likely unavoidable. If it’s a major part of your life such that it occupies what you’d call too much of your time and energy, then yes, that’s a problem. Are you at that point?

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Mindfulness is another tool to get better at stepping off of those negative thought trains and not continuing to ride them for a while.

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  I will admit it isn't the worrying as to what I feel that is taking most of my time it is the guilt associated with it. I feel mindfulness is a brilliant tool, just need to get better at it instead of instantly hitting the brakes and jumping to worst case scenario.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  What makes you feel guilty about it? Could you still accept your wife if she at some point fantasized about someone else?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  Of course I would. I love her for who she is, regardless. I honestly wish I had an answer, I think it may just be because this is something that has caused a rift in the past and I may not be giving myself enough breathing room to understand it is just a human expression of thought. I think it is also because for the longest time I was very much black and white thinking in regards to relationships.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Sounds like you are maturing in your approach to relationships. How comfortable would you say you are forgiving yourself? Like it a that something that feels very foreign or hard?

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  I have always been very hard on myself, for sure. I can forgive myself, but generally only after others have forgiven me too.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  Ah. It will be a long road ahead of that persists. Nobody needs to give you approval for you to decide to accept and forgive yourself. That can come from and be cultivated from within you

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  I know it’s easier said than done. But one thing you can do is forgive yourself in the moment. The second you realize you are having those thoughts, forgive yourself for the thought, apologize to the lady you are admiring or maybe objectifying, accept it happened, forgive yourself for the small transgression, and move on.

• the person who asked·4 years ago

  That may be a good starting point. I appreciate all of your wisdom and just listening to this. I am needing to learn acceptance within myself for sure.

• someone who replied, again·4 years ago

  I think we all can improve on that.